Sunday, August 10, 2003

    WEll, overall my head hasn't been in the best place over the last couple of months. hence the lack of update.

ive had some great times with good friends, but ive also had some nights where i just dont want to be around the people who are out. Ive kept on with the drinking less thing. maybe thats one of the reasons why.

after reading, i am going to cut back with the weed as well as the booze. gonna try a month, see how things go. maybe restrict it to social gatherings only. at the moment, im smoking every day. i even rolled a joint this morning at 11am. there was no need, there was so many other things i could have been doing with my life. oh well. i needed the sleep.

things are no better with beck, and quite frankly im beginning to think its for the best. i want someone who pushes me to do new things, someone who i dont have to worry so much about if we are at a party and im talking to someone else. beck isnt the most sociable of people (no matter how hard i try) and a lot of the time when we go out somewhere, if i'm not talking to her, she is just sat there being quiet.

one thing i found amusing the other day... at a party we went to recently, i got chatting to a lass (who is going out with someone i know) and we were really getting on well. she was a bit of a geek too, and somehow she seemed interested in geekywebsitecrap. in fact it was her asking about it most of the time.

anyway, we were chatting outside for some time, i was oblivious to pretty much everything else going off at the party. i found out the other day that she was getting the evil eye from TWO girls at the party! (one was beck, the other im not mentioning). I dont know if she was jealous, bored (as far as i know, sally was chatting to beck, so it wasnt as if she was stood alone) or just didnt like seeing me chatting so happily with someone else.

ummm. yeah. anyway. i need to make some changes to my life over the coming months. i need to sort my housing situation out (nick is moving out). whether that means finding a new housemate, or seeing about buying a place of my own, im not sure yet.

• i need to cut back on the booze and weed intake. well, the booze one is down to a sensible level now. but the weed isnt.
  
• i need to become tidier. and sort out a lot of the little jobs that have been piling up
  
• i need to slack a bit less at work.
  
• i need to make more of an effort to see other friends
  
• i need to try and save some cash up.
  
• i need to get healithier
  
• i need to try and sort out my non-existent love life
  
• i need to get out more
  
• i need a proper holiday. and someone fun to go with
  

i intend to begin all of these after i get back from reading.
so between september and new year, i intend on sorting out as many of those problems as humanly possible.

28 FFS. where have the last ten years of my life gone? i cant believe i am on the wrong side of 25, and still not got my head sorted :(

scribbled by: wanye at 22:49

Monday, May 26, 2003

    ugh.

ive been sober for a month now. not a drop of alcohol.
ive also cut back on the weed

in return, i seem to have become a miserable paranoid insomniac. ive saved a shitload of cash on the upside though. im saving on average £50-£100 a week by not drinking or going out as much.
i plan on having one night of pissed fun before glastonbury. a lads night out. no girls, no stress, a good gig, and a day out getting pissed with some of my best friends. im really looking forward to it.

things with me and beck have been weird recently. ive hardly seen her. she seems to be going out without me too... like to the pub quiz every sunday. which kinda pisses me off, as in the past ive invited her along to almost everything ive been doing, but she didnt ask if i would like to come to this. i have plenty of other friends who go to this, so i could just turn up i suppose. but thats not the point, *why* isnt she trying to get me to come out too?

and also during the week, ive been spending most of the time sat at home watching films on my own. bored. not once has she suggested that we do something. all it takes is her coming on MSN and saying something along the lines of "im bored, do you want to come and see a film in mansfield?"... or "what are you upto? mind if i come over and watch that with you?"

but no. nothing.

one thing its made me do though is realise just how much ive been neglecting my other friends. apart from friday night in the pub (more on that later) I hardly see anyone anymore. part of that is due to not drinking i suppose, but there are other people who i hardly ever see anymore, and i want that to change. ive hardly seen anything of bev, leggy, rolfy, ali, nicola n vicky, dooge and nikki, and various other people. also, me and nick hardly ever go out together anymore. I need to change this.

fortunately, i have seen a fair bit of other people. and thats been good. al n lucy, wes n paul, lucy, gary n sal. if it wasnt for them, i probably wouldntve managed a month of sobriety. I wouldve probably gone mad. turned into a paranoid wreck with no social life whatsoever.

work is weird at the moment. its not good or bad. it just *is*. its pretty stressful at the moment what with the students having their exams and stuff at the moment. trying to keep all the printers up and running. also redesigning the department website and trying to juggle the other tasks.
turns out they are finally getting me a permanent assistant. which will be good. it means i can concentrate on the more "fun" jobs i have. like playing with hardware, learning new things (im determined to learn flash properly, as well as how to use adobe premiere), and spending time doing general development work, instead of firefighting... (currently i spend most of my time doing shit and fixing things instead of finding new solutions to problems and putting new structures in place - like the job management system which has been on the back burner for the last 6 months)

other than that, i guess i dont have *that* much to complain about. a lot of people i know are going through a lot worse than me. what makes my problems so important?

anyway. goals for the next month. be less paranoid. be happier. carry on not drinking. smoke less. fix my bike and use it to get to work, now the weather is getting better. tidy the house properly. get my website ideas off the ground. try and start going to bed at normal times (its still usually gone 2am before i can sleep). save more money. pay off various debts (i owe gary £200, and have done for a couple of months now. i feel really bad i havent paid him back yet) and hopefully save up enough cash to be able to go on a PROPER holiday this year. one with no stress. doing sod-all afater from relax, drink icy cold beer in the sun, read some books, listen to some music.

now all i need is to find someone to go on holiday with. im beginning to think that going with beck isnt a good idea, and itll probably only stress me out more.

right. its bank holiday monday. ive spent most of the day sorting a PC out for bev. i suppose i should go drop it round to her....

scribbled by: wanye at 17:37

Saturday, April 26, 2003

    lord, its been 3 months since my last confession. oopsy...

:(

its been a weird couple of weeks.

ace in places, shit in other parts.

i dont think theres any person on the planet who can make me feel so good about myself at one point, then make me want to just curl up and die the next :(

i love her so much, yet im so scared that if i do anything, i will mess everything up. when im with her, i feel like i can beat anything in front of me. when im not with her (and especially when she is in a weird mood, or not wanting to see me when im feeling down (like yesterday. i felt so shit, and all i wanted was her to come over, hug me, and say everything was going to be alright.

the thing that makes everything worse is i think one of my best mates likes her too. and i know she likes him to a certain extent. the other week when we went for a meal, he was there, and they had some kind of private joke going off between them, it made me really paranoid and upset. i *know* if was actually with her, i could trust her 1000%, but as i dont have the guts to say anything, shes completely free to do whatever she likes. including the january sellout incident. i think that was the beginning of it all getting messy, and the start of my mood swings. if something ever did happen between them, i dont think i could cope. its already affecting my work and sleep patterns. i dont know. i just get the feeling he is trying to do stuff behind my back. this is somone ive known since i was at school, and someone who i trust completely when it comes to everything else apart from her. Its got to the point where i would rather not go out, than go out somewhere where the two of them are likely to see each other. and its tearing me apart. i cant take much more of this.

im even beginning to wonder if i should just fuck off somewhere new, and leave everything behind. i could find work abroad easily enough. meet new people, maybe even find someone new to fall in love with. i dont know....

but then we have nights together like tonight. we had truffles, and drinks, and watched stupid movies, and had a really lovely night together. and right now i should be feeling WONDERFUL, instead of the unhappy mess i feel right now. and on top of it all, tracy has had a big fight with the manager of the new venue for the sell-out clubnight. and it looks like we'll be moving home again real soon. which i dont mind too much, i already had my doubts about the place, and i want to support tracy and what she does too...

im glad i didnt go out tonight, or i would have been caught right in the middle, and chances are sellout would already be cancelled. but as it is, ill have a think about it tomorrow, get my head together, and try and sort out a new venue. we have two dates booked so far, and after that, we will probably move on t osomewhere where we have more control over the place.

but thats a different rant.

right now, im wondering how paranoid i should be where her is concerned. should i just try and avoid him completely? or should i carry on as normal, let whatever happens, happen, and possibly end up with yet another broken heart.

this truly is about the lowest ive felt in a *long* time. even worse than i was when me and olivia split up. right now, i think im just going to go and cry myself to sleep. I know i shouldnt get this worked up about anything, especially a woman, but right now i do. if things happened between us, everything else would fall into place, and my life would be sorted. but it isnt. im too much of a coward to ever do anything about it, i cant take rejection. especially from somebody so close. it would just devastate me.

i need to sort my life out big time. sort out my job, lose weight, cut down on the weed, get the house sorted out, sort out my finances, social life and love life.
i have some of the best friends on the planet. i should make more use of them.
ive been neglecting certain people recently, and its made me feel bad. Im gutted leggy and ali split up. i thought them two were sorted. since they moved to nottingham, ive hardly seen either of them, and now since they split up, ive probably seen even less of them. and thats just wrong. two of my best friends, who lived 5 minutes away from me, and i went round only a few times....

and then theres bev. another of my *best* friends. ive seen her something like 4 times this fucking year. she lives 10 minutes down the fucking road. thats not right. there was a point where we would spend over an hour talking to each other every single day. i saw her more when she was living in sheffield.
so shes been busy, what with work, studying for things, her new house, and her bloke.
he seems nice enough. but i dont think hes good enough for her. but then i dont know anyone else who *is* good enough for her. except maybe me... but thats a whole nother story. and its been a good few years since any of that reared its ugly head.... maybe me and beck will be better off like this?


right now, i think i should just shut up and go to bed. me and beck have something good. why spoil it?
but then, if i dont say something, she *will* meet someone else. its not like she's a mutant or something. a little afraid of random people, maybe, but theres all the qualities about her that made me fall in love with her in the first place. other people would be *stupid* not to see those qualities in her too...

i just think the worst thing would be for her to reject me, freak out completely, and then go off with one of my best mates.
and thats why i think im so paranoid/upset about everything at the moment. *what if* ?

why do i find it so hard to meet people like this? since olivia, i can honestly say there have been no other people ive been interested in. And even that was a weird fluke i guess. fuck knows how we got together, and what the hell she saw in me...

true, theres been a couple of girls i like. but i honestly dont believe anything would or could happen with any of them. and if anything did, it would be a disaster.
with beck, everything feels right. im comfortable being around her. i count the hours until i see her next.
when she comes on MSN, my heart skips a beat. when shes feeling talkative, i feel like im the only person that matters.
and when i see her in person, the time we spend together is great.

although, recently, due to my paranoia, and my brain telling me to keep a lid on it, there have been times where i have nothing to say to her. we just sit there. and it makes me feel shitty. its a downward spiral, and im starting to feel sick from spinning round so much.

ok. i think i need to go try and sleep, and THINK HAPPY THOUGHTS.

everything will be better in the morning.
hopefully.

scribbled by: wanye at 02:05

Saturday, January 25, 2003

    i really need to get this sorted out. its doing my head in now.

she is all i seem to think about. i had a dream last night. we went out somewhere, and she actually told me that she liked me, and that a couple of people had talked to her about it recently and told her to say something to me.

anyway, im hoping to see her tonight. if i dont, i guess it will just be a quiet night home alone with a bottle of wine and a dvd. again.

we're going to see the wonderstuff in london in a couple of weeks. a whole day and a bit in london. just me and her. wander round the shops, go to the gig, back to the hotel, then have the next day to play about in london too.

im going to HAVE to do something about this soon... i cant go on much longer without knowing either way how she feels about me.

scribbled by: wanye at 17:19

Sunday, January 12, 2003

    ok.


excuse hte pished typing. cant escape it. sorry.


i am in love with rebecca. what more can i say?

we went out together tonight. went for a curry. played guitar a bit. i messed up. we had a goood laugh.....



i love this girl. so much it hurts

i wish she had have stayed over. we could have talked some more.
or listened to nice music.


i dont care
just as much as so long she realises just how much i am in love with her.

she makes me feel good about myself. why does she have to be so distant with me? :(
i wish someone would sort us two out..


she is my best friend, and i dont want to mess anything up between us. her not being my best friend any more would *destroy me* :(


rebecca. i love you.
.

scribbled by: wanye at 02:31

Monday, January 06, 2003

    lordy.

its been one month since my last confession.
things seemed to be going really well up until saturday night.

saturday....

it was my first sellout clubnight. on the whole, it went spectacularly well. lots of people came, and all the feedback was good, all had a good time.

it was going ok for me. up till near the end.
there was one of the board lot (a newbie who we'd met a couple of times) and he spent the night clinging on to beck. i tried several time to get the message across for him to fuck off, but he just kept coming back. anyway, as i was stuck DJing for half the night, and for a good chunk of the rest of it, i was chatting to my mates/the punters in the club i couldnt keep an eye on her, he just kept at it. even nick and george tried to get rid of him. but no....

anyway, it was near the end, i was on the dancefloor, and i looked over. he moved in, and snogged her.

this threw me completely. i felt sick. it was a complete shock to me.

anyway. my head is still a bit of a mess, im not sure what to think. all i know is that if he's in my presence again, he will be very unwelcome.

the jury is still out on this one. i dont want to push anything, because she is having a family problem at the moment and is upset. i dont want to add this to the list of things she has on her mind.

anyway. more later. i have work to do...

scribbled by: wanye at 11:45

Saturday, December 07, 2002

    ahhhhh, so whats new?

ive been one month and three days since my last confession.

ive been to a few gigs, some parties, drank copious amounts of alcohol, worked my ass off, and spent as much time as possible with rebecca. its got to the point where i just want to spend as much time as i can in her presence. she's the person i think of first thing in the morning, and usualy the last person before i go to sleep. i honestly dont think ive felt so strongly about someone for a *long* time. and she has started coming out with my other friends more often too. she thinks people hate her (probably because shes so quiet). thats just not true though. i wish she would stop disliking herself so much (and start liking me even more) Its doing my head in. Im scared to say anything to her in case it fucks things up, and i think she is too shy to do anything (not that i know she feels the same way). I just dont want to fuck things up with her. and if i said something, and she didnt feel like that, im sure she would freak out, and start avoiding me. and i definitely couldnt handle that.

a mate of mine acts differently around her. its really weird. he goes all camp and weird. i think its his way of trying to flirt with her. and its doing my head in. its got to the point where i dont want to invite him out when she is with me. partially i think its because i feel threatened by him doing this. what *if* she responds? i sincerely doubt she would, but if anything did happen, it would destroy me. and i really think it would end my friendship with him. and i dont want that.

its all one big mess. im too scared to tell her how i feel in case it ruins my friendship with her, and im jealous as hell of anyone that pays her a little too much attention, in case they make a move on her. if we *were* together i would be happy about her talking to my friends this much... but because we arent, and dont know if we will be, i get all jealous.

my brain hurts. i need alcohol and skunk.
and im out of skunk, and low on booze.

and i feel sick. mostly because its all i seem to be thinking about recently.

i think i should go offline and go watch some cartoons or something. hopefully wake up in the morning feeling better about life, and happier than i feel right now.

scribbled by: wanye at 21:42

Monday, November 04, 2002

    i had an ACE night last night.

went to a halloween party. got drunk.

was planning on coming back home after the party ended at half ten (they were all going to rock city) but wwe ended up going too.
had a good laugh mostly. it was a nice night.

scribbled by: wanye at 00:44

Saturday, October 26, 2002

    the last couple of weeks have been pretty good. Ive been really busy with work, but ive also had a fair bit of time to go out and enjoy myself.
last week, there was the ployphonic spree. one of the best gigs ive been to in a very long time. click here for evidence from the gig. also, we went on a staff night out. we went bowling. i was doing ace. (id told everyone i was really shit, and everyone was calling me a liar. especially because on my forst go, i got a strike!) anyway, it was good to go out with the people from work. got to know some of them a bit better.

which is always good.

last night, it was becky's 21st birthday. i think she was impressed with my present (i got 3rd row tickets to see tori amos). we went for a curry to celebrate. Tonight, shes coming over, and we're going to drink beer, eat pizza, and get through the mountain of DVDs we've both got recently and havent had chance to watch yet.

tomorrow, im not sure yet. think Im going to see "men in coats" at the old vic. real stupid comedy act. saw them a while ago, and we were pissing ourselves through the entire set.

monday is the DOVES gig at rock city. finally managed to get a ticket, although im gutted i couldnt get a lemon jelly ticket instead. i *love* the new LJ album. its a work of genius. right click here and "save as" for one of the songs off the new album (8mb mp3)

its been nearly a month without drugs. ive probably had the total of about one spliff since i ran out. sometime i miss it, sometimes im *desperate* for a spliff, but on the whole, ive coped a lot better than i thought! although the insomnia has returned again. which is making things a bit crappy...

ok. so thats my life over the last few weeks. not much new to report. but its been pretty good on the whole.

-signing off-

scribbled by: wanye at 15:56

Monday, October 07, 2002

    well. i finally think im over olivia. i saw her on saturday, and we hardly spoke. but afterwards i felt odd. i realised that i didnt care anymore.
i was a bit pissed off about her not sending me a text or an email or something to wish me happy birthday last week. but other than that, ive hardly thought about her.

today was spent recovering. i had an ace night. or so i think. i got *very* drunk.
i seem to remember spending half the night staring at my mate vicky's chest. i dont know why. im not usually like that. but she was wearing an imperial teen t-shirt.
and that impressed me greatly. shame she lives in london,.

why do all the nice girls live so far away for things to be practical and normal?
although the lass i *really* like only lives half an hour away, so its not *too* bad at the moment...

just sat here. drugless, listening to tom petty. i forgot what a cracking album this is. "american girl" is a fucking QUALITY tune.

ive also re-discovered JELLYFISH. had it on my playlist almost constantly for the last three days. it reminds me of good times. summers without a care in the world, and the biggest hassle was whether i could afford two albums AND go clubbing twice that week. ah. good memories.
nowadays, a lot of my mates has fallen out with one another. why does this have to happen? i think im pretty much the only person who is in contact with nearly all my mates from 10 years ago.

anyway. its late. ive been playing UT2003. my brain is fragged to fuck. i need a spliff (i ran out)

instead i think ill just go to bed soon instead.
that is assuming the insomnia hasnt returned....

-x-

scribbled by: wanye at 00:06

Sunday, September 29, 2002

    shit.

i fancy my mates little sister.

i know its wrong. and i should know better by now.
im sworn off women that age.or so i keep telling myself.

ill shut up now.

scribbled by: wanye at 00:02

Friday, September 27, 2002

    its been a couple of weeks now.

my heads still a bit of a mess. its not too bad, i guess its just because ive had a few beers, and im home now, no tobacco, and feeling a bit down.

tomorrow my mate dooge gets married.
the first of my real schoolmates to do the deed. im happy for them. theyve been together for what seems like forever, and its about bloody time it happened.
anyway, the last few days have been a bit weird for me, im fast approaching my 27th birthday (4 days time) and im wondering to myself where the hell i seem to be going with stuff....

*pause for a break*

ok. i think ive just worked out why im on such a downer tonight.... tonight is exactly one year since me and olivia got together. 365 days. 52 weeks. ffs. it lasted a little under 6 months. i normally manage approx 4 weeks from start to finish. longest previous was 3 months. i thought i was cursed.
anyway. yes its messing with me, but yes, im pretty much over it.

i *so* want to move on. i really do. i just need to find someone to move on TO.

there is one person at the moment. she is *lovely*
i really fancy her, we get on great, share taste in quite a few things, spend a fair bit of time together, and whenever possible, i try and spend time with her.

but im too scared to do anything in case i scare her away. i value her friendship too much. i kind of tried mentioning things a couple of years ago, and she freaked out, and we hardly spoke for a few months. this was too much to handle, i couldnt go through that again. I think we're back at the point where she trusts me again, and theres no way in hell i want to jeopardize that.

so i get the feeling im not going to be "moving on" for some time yet. and this just makes me even more depressed about things.

Also, a few of my friends have been fairly elusive recently. i dont know whether this is a deliberate thing, or its just bad luck/timing/whatever, but i havent spoken to them for a month now. admittedly, i havent made the effort to call them myself, but why the hell should i always make the effort? they go out enough with my housemate, how come im never invited anymore? it confuses me, and the more confused i get, the more pissed off/depressed with things i become. its not just these two though, its another couple of mates too that hang out with them a LOT. maybe ive pissed someone off in some way. i dont know. i dont *think* i have...

anyway. yeah. twenty seven. where the fuck has my life gone? it only seems like a year ago i was slacking off after finishing uni, working in the cyberpub, spending time with LOTS of friends (instead of the same few) everyone got on with one another, i was enjoying working (ahem) in a pub. the social life was good, it was a good laugh, the pay was shit, but i didnt really have any overheads at the time.

this was over five years ago.
half a decade
over 1800 days
nearly 44000 minutes
over 2.5 million seconds ago.

as i said, i doesnt seem that long ago.

but it was. it was a FIFTH of my entire life.

ok. so what have i achieved?

enough. sortof. i thought by now i would have most of the following:

comfortable job paying over £25k a year (i have a good job, but it doesnt pay anything near that)
nice car (ok. i have this. i signed my life away for 4 years to get it...)
lots of friends (i think im doing alright in this department, but i seem to be losing quite a few close mates recently for one reason or another)
nice flat/house. hopefully owned by me (not a bad house, but could be nicer/bigger/better, and i rent it)
lovely girlfriend (not even close. single (again) for 6 months now, and i think im in love with someone who may or may not (but more than likely doesnt) feel something similar
lots of shiny things (i have more than my fair share. maybe i overcompensate in this deprtment?)
ability to go on good holidays regularly (havent been abroad since amsterdam several years ago, and other than the festivals, i went to newquay camping for a week a year and a bit ago)
out of debt (getting there very slowly, but now i seem to be getting worse again. maybe its my overcompensation on shiny things?)

so. id guess im about halfway to where i *thought* i would be by age 25. two years late.

i bet even if i was where i wanted to be though, id fuck something up royally. i have a tendency to do that.

anyway. enough self pity. it was a year ago. so what. who decides 365 days is a special occasion? fuck it.


Hi. my names wanye, and its been 6 hours since my last joint.
i should celebrate my 6 hour anniversary!
yeah!
thats what ill do!

that will cheer me up.
maybe.

well, it would if i had some tobacco to roll with.

next time i update this, chances are ill be another year older.

and that scares the SHIT out of me. yet another step closer to 30...

night kids.
x

scribbled by: wanye at 23:49

Monday, September 09, 2002

    mm. after careful consideration, ive decided to start this up again.

i dont think ive even advertised this page, so chances are nobody will see it anyway, so im going to use it as a "wheres my head at" page once more...

well, in general, i guess im ok. its not like im going to kill myself or anything. far from it. just that theres a few things really getting to me at the moment. the biggest thing being olivia. *still*
i spent several months trying to sort my head out, honestly believing we could stay friends, and it not be a problem.

Then we almost sleep together after a drunken night out at rock city. i dont know what happened, it was all a blur. thankfully she had the good sense to call time on it, and get a taxi home. i think it wouldve fucked with my head immensely if anything hadve happened, and i wouldve been right back at square 1. anyway. i get over it. we speak on MSN and via text. everything gets back to "friendly" again. this is good. i can handle this. im a grown up goddammit!

anyway. a month or so later, and shes back in nottingham again. im due to go out clubbing on a thursday, and i pretty much expected her to be there. this wasnt a problem. i would smile, put on a brave face, and make out that im not phased (or not as much as i really am). anyway, just as im getting off the bus i get a text message from her. "you out tonight? we are going to be in the pub soon. xxx"

"we". plural. as soon as i saw that i realised what shed done. subtley, shed let me know shes dragging some new bloke along. ok. its some navy bloke whos visiting for the weekend. after all, the main reason we split up was the distance thing, not being able to see each other very often. right?

WRONG!
wronger than a very very wrong thing could be more wrong.

as it turns out, hes a local lad. one that a LOT of the people off the board had already met. (i hadnt, as i hate going to rock city on saturdays, and miss a lot of the meetups). someone who lives with a couple of people i know. people i think of as friends. not that i expect them to be arsey or anything. not at all. that would be stupid. besides, hes probably a nice enough bloke and all that. anyway. shes there, sat on his lap, arm around him and stuff. she comes over to me in the pub, gives me a hug and a kiss, says hi. we chat for a minute, everything is fine. she goes back to her table. i get it out of my mind. not a problem.

it wasnt until later that night when i saw them together, that it started pissing me off. here he is, this board newbie, mates with a load of the regulars. hugging and kissing this girl. this girl who up until a couple of months ago, i *really* liked. she was my first semi-serious girlfriend in nearly FIVE fucking years. the first person where it hadnt all gone wrong before anything had really even started. anyway, here he is, laughing and joking with MY friends, while im sat there, getting progressivley more and more drunk, with it really starting to nag at me.

and me being me, i dont bother telling anyone how much its winding me up. i never do. maybe i should, i dont know, but i never have done in the past, there arent *that* many people i feel comfortable talking about whats going on in my head with. fuck. im only doing it on here because unless by some miracle, someone i know comes across it...

anyway. it gets to me more than i let on. i go home in a bad mood, and try and get on with things.

its probably a shirt term thing, shes only back for a week, itll all be over after that, because of the whole distance thing. shes going on ship real soon, nobody will see her for a couple of months.

again. WRONG!

she goes back down south, then i find out she is back in nottingham the weekend after that. for 3 fucking weeks.

anyway. i try and not let it get to me. and not say anything on the boards. because im bigger than that, and besides, im trying to set a good example of how people should behave if they have a personal problem with somone on the board. either keep it quiet, or take it to PM/in person. just dont bring your shit on board. it doesnt make for a good atmosphere. specially with all the shit going off on there recently.

3 fucking weeks. of which there were constant posts where she was logged in under his username, or they kept on posting funny little comments to each other in public. it really felt like she/they were rubbing it in. the whole distance break up thing was a fucking LIE, and here they are, laughing and joking on MY FUCKING BOARD. the board i spend most of my fucking life running. and im trying to set a good example.

this carries on for the duration of while she was in nottingham, and i skilfully managed to avoid seeing them by not going to rock city, or anywhere they were likely to be (not that this is a problem, i fucking HATE going to rock city on saturdays anyway!

anyway. all seems to be dying down, shes gone back. in fact, shes in norway at the moment. i got a few text messages off her over the weekend, complaining about how she couldnt have spirits because of different licensing laws there. we have a joke. everything seems fine.

and then today, fuckface posts on the boards... "Olivia say's hi to every one from Norway, she working hard, but enjoying it (she's also getting very drunk)." and then theres a reply from his mate.... "Andy your girlfriends drunk and in a different country i'd be worried"

yeah. i fucking hope he's worried..... "your girlfriend" FFS.
this guy probably doesnt realise how much its winding me up. as i said, hes probably a really nice guy and all that, but to me, hes an asshole. so waht if they got it together quite some time after we split. i dont care. i reserve the right to not like people. it doesnt happen very often. (i can probably count the people i HATE on my fingers) so i think im justified. surely they should have the fucking DECENCY to try and not be so public about this shit. especially on the board that *i* fucking run?

i would like to think that i would keep things like this off the board, who knows, im not the one in this situation though. they are. and its really fucking me off....

i dont think the lack of smokeables is helping either.....

scribbled by: wanye at 23:32

Thursday, June 20, 2002

    woo!

only 6 days to glasto!

reet. over the years of going, ive put together a list of stuff youll need.
remember this is glasto, you are miles from civilisation, so theres no nipping to the supermarket to get stuff. also, you need to be able to carry all your stuff in one go (as youre going by bus/train/etc)
can anyone suggest any improvements to this list (modified from the glasto info guide list)


Essential Items
FESTIVAL TICKET
TENT (check pegs/lines/poles/groundsheet)
SLEEPING BAG
CIGARETTES/MATCHES/PAPERS/TOBACCO/LIGHTERS/ROLLING MACHINE*
WATERPROOF COAT
TOWEL/S
TOILET PAPER
MOBILE/SPARE BATTERY
MONEY (banking on site-long queues)
UTENSILS(cup/plate/cutlery/bottle-can opener/plastic pints)
STANLEY KNIFE
STRING
DUCT TAPE
PEN/PAPER
CAMERA/ram cards/+++BATTERIES+++
EVERYDAY MEDICATIONS (anadin/piriton)
COMB/HAIRBRUSH
BAGS (for dirty clothing/ footwear)
TORCH/BATTERIES/BULBS (spares)
GLOWSTICKS
SLEEPING MAT
RADIO (Radio Avalon 87.7 FM)
PILLOW
SUNGLASSES
BOOTS/STURDY SHOES
WELLINGTONS ?
DISPOSABLE BBQ(s)
WATER CARRIER
CORDIAL
FOOD
BOOZE (no glass bottles)


EAR PLUGS/COTTON WOOL
NEXT OF KIN NOTIFICATION
CONTRACEPTIVES
SUN CREAM
READING MATERIAL
CLEAN CLOTHES TO GO HOME IN
TOILETRIES

MARK ITEMS WITH HOUSE NO & POSTCODE


Sensible Advice
LEAVE VALUABLES AT HOME
TAKE ANY ESSENTIAL TEL NO`S (BANK CARD DETAILS ETC) IN A TEMPORARY ADDRESS BOOK
RECORD SERIAL NO`S & MODEL NUMBERS

scribbled by: wanye at 10:27

Saturday, June 15, 2002

    I got myself a new car :)



w00t!

its sooo fast and shiny and lovely. so what if ive just gone and signed my life away for the next 4 years?

scribbled by: wanye at 13:24

Thursday, May 09, 2002

    its been an odd couple of days...

the rock city board got invaded by a bunch of annoying idiots who flooded the place with nonsense topics, annoying everyone in the process, and wasting several hours of my time, when i could have been doing something constructive. like working on three websites i need to get a move on with.

originally we thought they invaded from the kerrang! messagebaords, as several of our regulars like to post shit on there.

we were wrong.

one of our regulars, martin, decided to take upon himself to attempt to liven things up on there. he succeeded. he made it a considerably WORSE place to be. but it wasnt a problem. he admitted guilt and sort of apologised.

so i didnt have a problem.

until i saw the referrer logs.

heres edited highlights...

(heres a link to the original thread)

Originally posted by Martin:

Nah - I'm not a mod
It's OK spunky, you're doing great
Don't let them know I've organised it, they'll find out soon enough!
I'm doing this mainly because Wayne has pissed me off so much. He is *very* hypocritical. It's OK for him to do certain stuff, but not other people

Hey - lets blame it on the Kerrang! boards?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

What did you do Keren?!
We'll have to find a time when that overweight mod Wayne isn't on! Don't anyone other than Spunky get banned until tomorrow evening please, then we'll unleash a massive spamming attack like no other and he won't be able to delete stuff in time

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Oh btw, RedRocker thinks she's so funny, but she just pisses me off.
Her name's Tracy, but spell it with an 'e' (Tracey) and it really annoys her

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

OK, thanx guys, good work let's keep it up

If anyone else joins, could you wait until 6 tomorrow evening for the main spamming session please?

[ 08-05-2002: Message edited by: Martin ]

(original message)
OK, thanx guys, good work let's leep it up
Oh he's really pissed me off the way he deletes so much stuff
Thinks he's the bees knees!
If anyone else joins, could you wait until 6 tomorrow evening for the main spamming session please?
He won't know what's hit him, hehe!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


how the FUCK can somebody be so fucking TWO FACED?

heres his responses:

to the rock city board:
Russ, I'm sorry. Like I've said it was only supposed to be for a day, no more crap will be posted from the Moose board.

Wayne and Tracy, no apologies. You've both pissed me off big time, so I've pissed you off back. See how you like it.
The invasion was mostly aimed at Wayne though. I then added Tracy (with a comment no worse than she's given me and much less worse than anything she gives Tori).
I was tired of being so nice all the time and not reacting.

I accept people are going to be pissed off, same way I am if my mates are dissed or my best mates are angry if I'm unfairly dissed. But to make it clear please, anyone who intensely dislikes me, please make it clear below. You don't have to give a reason. Oh and feel free to tell me not to come back to the board/ Rock city.
I'm counting number of friends lost so far at two - Rock and Warez.
Oh and be brief with any questions please, doubt I'll be sticking around long to answer them.

----------------------------------------

and heres his post to the muse board:

Oh and in case anyone thinks I've been unfair to Wayne (hah!) this is the link to the main stuff he posted what angered me the most

http://board.rock-city.co.uk/ikonboard.cgi?s=3cda59fd7072ffff;act=ST;f=1;t=4485;st=0

That was the final straw anyway.
And as for Tracy (RedRocker), it's hardly worth looking for stuff myself. Just search for her name and a lot of what she's put is unfairly insulting.

-------------------------------------------

right now, im too mad to respond to his post on the RC board. i want to try and clear my head first.

but if anyone bothers reading this, visit the post martin just mentioned. see if you would be offended by that photo. it is so blatantly obvious its not intended to cause offence. and i said to him that if he had a problem to speak to me directly about it.

i thought everything was sorted.

how fucking wrong could i be?

i used to like the bloke, i really did. But that sort of behaviour is fucking UNACCEPTABLE. two faced little gobshite.

he'd better keep his distance for a while now.
no doubt ill be back to this post to carry on at some point....

scribbled by: wanye at 12:36

Thursday, May 02, 2002

    shit.

im famous.





i made the BBC news website with a little site i knocked together when bored!

http://news.bbc.co.uk/hi/english/entertainment/tv_and_radio/newsid_1962000/1962611.stm

is the link to the BBC site.

http://www.mtv.com@62.49.147.102/latest/index.htm

is the faked URL to the site i did

and

http://board.rock-city.co.uk/ikonboard.cgi?s=3cd086215904ffff;act=ST;f=1;t=4692;st=0

is where it all started...

woo!

yay!

houpla!

scribbled by: wanye at 00:36

Friday, April 26, 2002

    neeeed sleep.
been out last night, the night before, tonight, tomorrow AND sunday.

gonna be a wreck when i crawl into work next monday.

but reading tickets go on sale in a day or two, so im happy :)
also, i got me a new spare Peecee. yay and woo!

scribbled by: wanye at 11:51

Thursday, April 18, 2002

    its been a weird day.



this is emily. she works in the office at work. shes lovely. i found some staff photos on a zip disk in my desk drawer.

i think im starting to get a hangover.
lovely bottle of wine though. such a lovely blue/purple glass bottle. if only all wine came in such nice bootles. i think im going to have to keep it!

right. its quarter past 12. nobody is posting on the Rock City Messageboards, so im fucking off to bed while im still feeling tired.

is it possible to have insomnia AND narcolepsy at the sime time?

scribbled by: wanye at 23:13

    heres a couple of random images.
enjoy...

*image removed due to it not being available anymore*

ok. just one. i couldnt be arsed to post more :)

right. spliff, then bed.
or at least *attempt* to sleep.
damn insomnia :(

scribbled by: wanye at 00:35

Wednesday, April 17, 2002

    still got insomnia.
wanted to sleep at work, but kept getting interrupted. even during my lunch break.

bastards.
but at least i got a lot of work done.

and i found a PC that amira, the cute lass from upstairs in my building can use. so im in her good books. woo!

and i get to order some shiny new toys. yay!

...and hopefully ill be getting paid this month. houpla!

scribbled by: wanye at 23:23

Tuesday, April 16, 2002

    well, its been an odd week. Insomnia has been striking regularly. most nights its nearly 4am before i get get to sleep. so ive been putting it to good use, and learning how to use flash properly. in the past week, ive made: The Chuckle Brothers, Bobby Conn - Never get ahead, and a little tribute to the queen mother.

gonna work on using proper animations now, instead of just a photo gallery with music.
just need some more caffeine, dammit! :)

scribbled by: wanye at 09:06

Sunday, April 07, 2002

    Giant Baby.

chatting with lucy just now, i thought i would dig out giant baby for her to see.

anyway, its so cool i thought id share it with everyone...



enjoy.

scribbled by: wanye at 01:27

Saturday, April 06, 2002

    just got home about 10 fucking minutes ago. went to see 24 hour party people at broadway. had an ace night. shame about not drinking though, i could murder a beer (spent last night sober as well due to driving to the gig)

anyway, i couldnt face rock city, i didnt want to pay five fucking quid to go to a place with shit music and expensive strongbow. so i graciously accepted a lift home, as i thought nothing was going off tonight.

within TWO FUCKING MINUTES of setting foot inside my house i get two bastard text messages, one from daz, one from blinky. both saying "where are ya? we're having a fukin mint laff at the cookie club"

BASTARDS!
why the fuck wasnt i invited several hours ago? my phone has been on all night, and i had a signal. no text messages, no missed calls.

am i supposed to be fucking psychic now?

so now im stuck home, almost sober (although ive had a *tiny* bit much to risk driving), bored shitless, no fucker is online to talk to, theres fuck all on telly, and im out of weed.

WHAT THE FUCK!?!?!?!?!

half past 11 on a saturday night, and the best offer i have right now is my bed.

alone.

*not a happy bunny*

right. im going downstairs to see if i can find *anything* to drink/smoke.

i think i might have a can of skol hiding at the back of the food cupboard.

bastards!

w>

scribbled by: wanye at 22:34

    mmm. Last night.
had an ace night with Beck (again!) in Derby. We went to see Miles Hunt at the Vic Inn. 150 max capacity, we were right at the front. Milo was on top form, telling little stories, having a laugh, and generally being a top bloke. No matter how many times I hear the stories about the songs, he manages to make them sound fresh every time.

Apparently the album is out on monday. woo! cant wait, im a bit of a sad fanboy really, i have pretty much everything He's done so far, including the mp3 of the month club tunes (live/rare/remixed/unreleased classic tunes - mostly by the stuffies, but all involving milo somehow)

managed to take some cracking photos, which can be found right here.... They havent been sorted, edited or commented yet, Havent had time yet.

anyway, was buzzing for several hours afterwards (although not nearly as much as last time, when i was running round hugging people and jumping around like a lunatic!). Drove home, watched Fat Dog Mendoza again (underwater superheros?), rolled a spliff and poured a pint. within 5 minutes of getting home, Beck was nodding off, so i necked my pint, finished my spliff and went to bed.

top night. tonight some of us are going to see 24 Hour Party People at Broadway. Looks like its going to be another good night. Things are really looking up after such a shit start to the week...

heres one of last nights photies, anyway...

scribbled by: wanye at 13:36

Friday, April 05, 2002

    wow, I got battered last night.

Watched the usual suspects, ate some special chocolate brownies with Beck, and then we watched mallrats, followed by Time Gentlemen Please (ahhhhh, connie, i LOVE you!) and then we channel hopped.

stumbled across the cartoon network.

CN really know their audience. it was midnight, we were nicely battered and they put on "Fat Dog Mendoza" It was quite possibly the most messed up cartoon ive seen in a LONG time! the teacher was a siamese twin with two heads. Fat dog coerces a classfull of kids into ditching school and going to the north pole so that "costume buddy" could fight all the crime that happens in the north pole.

One minute they are in america, being chased by a giant mutant killer sandwich (they genetically modified it so that everyone could have something to eat, as fat dog had pigged everything else!), the next, they cross the road, and are in SPAIN!

so they make a giant schooner (a schooner IS a sailboat...stupid-head!) out of spanish pizza boxes and sail it down a river.
they go the wrong way though, and nearly fall off the edge of the world, but they manage to turn it round and eventually end up at the north pole.

where there is no crime.

but there IS a polar bear thats on the rampage, so they steal a snow-sled off some eskimos to rescue one of the schoolkids from the bear.
after succeeding, they end up floating on a giant chunk of ice. with no way home, fat dog has the idea they need to be riding on a block of self-propelled ice, so he jumps into the water... and pops up again surrounded in ice, apart from his tail. which he then proceeds to transport all the kids home using his jet-propelled tail.

the twin-headed teacher collars them, and drags them all back to class as punishment, and fat dog ends up chasing the giant mutant sandwich around the school ground, due to his immense hunger.


i swear i didnt just make that up. it was *really* screwed up.

as i said though, cartoon network *really* knows its audience late at night. mashed up stoners and pissheads.
sci-fi channels Headf**k season doesnt even compare!

scribbled by: wanye at 09:27

Thursday, April 04, 2002

    ugh.

went to charley says last night. had a cracking evening. Photos can be found here.....

anyway. got to bed around 3:30am. i was extremely pissed. i woke up with the nastiest hangover imaginable.
so i crawled into work, grabbed the sleeping bag out the back of my car and promptly cleared the desk next to mine and fell asleep on it for an hour.

mmm. nice :)

i love my job, i really do!

scribbled by: wanye at 11:57

Wednesday, April 03, 2002

    first day back at work, and Ive just had a meeting with the big big boss. been lumbered with a huge pile of work to get through. no major deadlines, just do it when possible. anyone know owt about inventory logging? guess im gonna need to learn databases or something. woo!

think i might have to do a rebuild on my second work PC. it crashes whenever i try to plug in my digicam. grrrrrr

anyway, i registered www.wanye.tk now, so its much easier to get here...

more later.

scribbled by: wanye at 10:06

Tuesday, April 02, 2002

    oh yeah, if anyone does ever read this, how about joining my niceplace forums?

it really is a nice place to spend a little bit of time...

scribbled by: wanye at 01:17

    well. ive had a much nicer day today. no stress at all, and ive talked to lots of my friends. and I'm feeling better about stuff.

watched Ali G in da house, and little nicky tonight. had a HUGE chinese, loads of strongbow, and so much weed that i burned my lip.

now all i need to do is get me a new housemate, sort out my debts, and meet a nice girl from the *nottingham* area who isnt going to move 300 miles down south on me.

i also found This page here. I made it about weasels. you can make your own version here...
not much else to say really. night kiddies (not that anybody is reading this anyway)

w>

scribbled by: wanye at 00:09

Monday, April 01, 2002

    my head has been a mess the last few days.
i split with olivia. i lost my wallet, and my best mate/housemate is moving to wales in three days time.

i did type out an extremely long version of this story. but blogger.com lost it for me.

and im not spending another 40 minutes writing it all out again (what i remember of it)
so thats it. i feel like shit. the only good thing happening right now is my new job at nottingham uni.

-signing out-
w>

scribbled by: wanye at 02:10

    new blog.

decided pancakelizard mainpage was a bit too public for some stuff.

new template will arrive when i can be arsed....

scribbled by: wanye at 01:20