Sunday, September 29, 2002

    shit.

i fancy my mates little sister.

i know its wrong. and i should know better by now.
im sworn off women that age.or so i keep telling myself.

ill shut up now.

scribbled by: wanye at 00:02

Friday, September 27, 2002

    its been a couple of weeks now.

my heads still a bit of a mess. its not too bad, i guess its just because ive had a few beers, and im home now, no tobacco, and feeling a bit down.

tomorrow my mate dooge gets married.
the first of my real schoolmates to do the deed. im happy for them. theyve been together for what seems like forever, and its about bloody time it happened.
anyway, the last few days have been a bit weird for me, im fast approaching my 27th birthday (4 days time) and im wondering to myself where the hell i seem to be going with stuff....

*pause for a break*

ok. i think ive just worked out why im on such a downer tonight.... tonight is exactly one year since me and olivia got together. 365 days. 52 weeks. ffs. it lasted a little under 6 months. i normally manage approx 4 weeks from start to finish. longest previous was 3 months. i thought i was cursed.
anyway. yes its messing with me, but yes, im pretty much over it.

i *so* want to move on. i really do. i just need to find someone to move on TO.

there is one person at the moment. she is *lovely*
i really fancy her, we get on great, share taste in quite a few things, spend a fair bit of time together, and whenever possible, i try and spend time with her.

but im too scared to do anything in case i scare her away. i value her friendship too much. i kind of tried mentioning things a couple of years ago, and she freaked out, and we hardly spoke for a few months. this was too much to handle, i couldnt go through that again. I think we're back at the point where she trusts me again, and theres no way in hell i want to jeopardize that.

so i get the feeling im not going to be "moving on" for some time yet. and this just makes me even more depressed about things.

Also, a few of my friends have been fairly elusive recently. i dont know whether this is a deliberate thing, or its just bad luck/timing/whatever, but i havent spoken to them for a month now. admittedly, i havent made the effort to call them myself, but why the hell should i always make the effort? they go out enough with my housemate, how come im never invited anymore? it confuses me, and the more confused i get, the more pissed off/depressed with things i become. its not just these two though, its another couple of mates too that hang out with them a LOT. maybe ive pissed someone off in some way. i dont know. i dont *think* i have...

anyway. yeah. twenty seven. where the fuck has my life gone? it only seems like a year ago i was slacking off after finishing uni, working in the cyberpub, spending time with LOTS of friends (instead of the same few) everyone got on with one another, i was enjoying working (ahem) in a pub. the social life was good, it was a good laugh, the pay was shit, but i didnt really have any overheads at the time.

this was over five years ago.
half a decade
over 1800 days
nearly 44000 minutes
over 2.5 million seconds ago.

as i said, i doesnt seem that long ago.

but it was. it was a FIFTH of my entire life.

ok. so what have i achieved?

enough. sortof. i thought by now i would have most of the following:

comfortable job paying over £25k a year (i have a good job, but it doesnt pay anything near that)
nice car (ok. i have this. i signed my life away for 4 years to get it...)
lots of friends (i think im doing alright in this department, but i seem to be losing quite a few close mates recently for one reason or another)
nice flat/house. hopefully owned by me (not a bad house, but could be nicer/bigger/better, and i rent it)
lovely girlfriend (not even close. single (again) for 6 months now, and i think im in love with someone who may or may not (but more than likely doesnt) feel something similar
lots of shiny things (i have more than my fair share. maybe i overcompensate in this deprtment?)
ability to go on good holidays regularly (havent been abroad since amsterdam several years ago, and other than the festivals, i went to newquay camping for a week a year and a bit ago)
out of debt (getting there very slowly, but now i seem to be getting worse again. maybe its my overcompensation on shiny things?)

so. id guess im about halfway to where i *thought* i would be by age 25. two years late.

i bet even if i was where i wanted to be though, id fuck something up royally. i have a tendency to do that.

anyway. enough self pity. it was a year ago. so what. who decides 365 days is a special occasion? fuck it.


Hi. my names wanye, and its been 6 hours since my last joint.
i should celebrate my 6 hour anniversary!
yeah!
thats what ill do!

that will cheer me up.
maybe.

well, it would if i had some tobacco to roll with.

next time i update this, chances are ill be another year older.

and that scares the SHIT out of me. yet another step closer to 30...

night kids.
x

scribbled by: wanye at 23:49

Monday, September 09, 2002

    mm. after careful consideration, ive decided to start this up again.

i dont think ive even advertised this page, so chances are nobody will see it anyway, so im going to use it as a "wheres my head at" page once more...

well, in general, i guess im ok. its not like im going to kill myself or anything. far from it. just that theres a few things really getting to me at the moment. the biggest thing being olivia. *still*
i spent several months trying to sort my head out, honestly believing we could stay friends, and it not be a problem.

Then we almost sleep together after a drunken night out at rock city. i dont know what happened, it was all a blur. thankfully she had the good sense to call time on it, and get a taxi home. i think it wouldve fucked with my head immensely if anything hadve happened, and i wouldve been right back at square 1. anyway. i get over it. we speak on MSN and via text. everything gets back to "friendly" again. this is good. i can handle this. im a grown up goddammit!

anyway. a month or so later, and shes back in nottingham again. im due to go out clubbing on a thursday, and i pretty much expected her to be there. this wasnt a problem. i would smile, put on a brave face, and make out that im not phased (or not as much as i really am). anyway, just as im getting off the bus i get a text message from her. "you out tonight? we are going to be in the pub soon. xxx"

"we". plural. as soon as i saw that i realised what shed done. subtley, shed let me know shes dragging some new bloke along. ok. its some navy bloke whos visiting for the weekend. after all, the main reason we split up was the distance thing, not being able to see each other very often. right?

WRONG!
wronger than a very very wrong thing could be more wrong.

as it turns out, hes a local lad. one that a LOT of the people off the board had already met. (i hadnt, as i hate going to rock city on saturdays, and miss a lot of the meetups). someone who lives with a couple of people i know. people i think of as friends. not that i expect them to be arsey or anything. not at all. that would be stupid. besides, hes probably a nice enough bloke and all that. anyway. shes there, sat on his lap, arm around him and stuff. she comes over to me in the pub, gives me a hug and a kiss, says hi. we chat for a minute, everything is fine. she goes back to her table. i get it out of my mind. not a problem.

it wasnt until later that night when i saw them together, that it started pissing me off. here he is, this board newbie, mates with a load of the regulars. hugging and kissing this girl. this girl who up until a couple of months ago, i *really* liked. she was my first semi-serious girlfriend in nearly FIVE fucking years. the first person where it hadnt all gone wrong before anything had really even started. anyway, here he is, laughing and joking with MY friends, while im sat there, getting progressivley more and more drunk, with it really starting to nag at me.

and me being me, i dont bother telling anyone how much its winding me up. i never do. maybe i should, i dont know, but i never have done in the past, there arent *that* many people i feel comfortable talking about whats going on in my head with. fuck. im only doing it on here because unless by some miracle, someone i know comes across it...

anyway. it gets to me more than i let on. i go home in a bad mood, and try and get on with things.

its probably a shirt term thing, shes only back for a week, itll all be over after that, because of the whole distance thing. shes going on ship real soon, nobody will see her for a couple of months.

again. WRONG!

she goes back down south, then i find out she is back in nottingham the weekend after that. for 3 fucking weeks.

anyway. i try and not let it get to me. and not say anything on the boards. because im bigger than that, and besides, im trying to set a good example of how people should behave if they have a personal problem with somone on the board. either keep it quiet, or take it to PM/in person. just dont bring your shit on board. it doesnt make for a good atmosphere. specially with all the shit going off on there recently.

3 fucking weeks. of which there were constant posts where she was logged in under his username, or they kept on posting funny little comments to each other in public. it really felt like she/they were rubbing it in. the whole distance break up thing was a fucking LIE, and here they are, laughing and joking on MY FUCKING BOARD. the board i spend most of my fucking life running. and im trying to set a good example.

this carries on for the duration of while she was in nottingham, and i skilfully managed to avoid seeing them by not going to rock city, or anywhere they were likely to be (not that this is a problem, i fucking HATE going to rock city on saturdays anyway!

anyway. all seems to be dying down, shes gone back. in fact, shes in norway at the moment. i got a few text messages off her over the weekend, complaining about how she couldnt have spirits because of different licensing laws there. we have a joke. everything seems fine.

and then today, fuckface posts on the boards... "Olivia say's hi to every one from Norway, she working hard, but enjoying it (she's also getting very drunk)." and then theres a reply from his mate.... "Andy your girlfriends drunk and in a different country i'd be worried"

yeah. i fucking hope he's worried..... "your girlfriend" FFS.
this guy probably doesnt realise how much its winding me up. as i said, hes probably a really nice guy and all that, but to me, hes an asshole. so waht if they got it together quite some time after we split. i dont care. i reserve the right to not like people. it doesnt happen very often. (i can probably count the people i HATE on my fingers) so i think im justified. surely they should have the fucking DECENCY to try and not be so public about this shit. especially on the board that *i* fucking run?

i would like to think that i would keep things like this off the board, who knows, im not the one in this situation though. they are. and its really fucking me off....

i dont think the lack of smokeables is helping either.....

scribbled by: wanye at 23:32