Saturday, April 26, 2003

    lord, its been 3 months since my last confession. oopsy...

:(

its been a weird couple of weeks.

ace in places, shit in other parts.

i dont think theres any person on the planet who can make me feel so good about myself at one point, then make me want to just curl up and die the next :(

i love her so much, yet im so scared that if i do anything, i will mess everything up. when im with her, i feel like i can beat anything in front of me. when im not with her (and especially when she is in a weird mood, or not wanting to see me when im feeling down (like yesterday. i felt so shit, and all i wanted was her to come over, hug me, and say everything was going to be alright.

the thing that makes everything worse is i think one of my best mates likes her too. and i know she likes him to a certain extent. the other week when we went for a meal, he was there, and they had some kind of private joke going off between them, it made me really paranoid and upset. i *know* if was actually with her, i could trust her 1000%, but as i dont have the guts to say anything, shes completely free to do whatever she likes. including the january sellout incident. i think that was the beginning of it all getting messy, and the start of my mood swings. if something ever did happen between them, i dont think i could cope. its already affecting my work and sleep patterns. i dont know. i just get the feeling he is trying to do stuff behind my back. this is somone ive known since i was at school, and someone who i trust completely when it comes to everything else apart from her. Its got to the point where i would rather not go out, than go out somewhere where the two of them are likely to see each other. and its tearing me apart. i cant take much more of this.

im even beginning to wonder if i should just fuck off somewhere new, and leave everything behind. i could find work abroad easily enough. meet new people, maybe even find someone new to fall in love with. i dont know....

but then we have nights together like tonight. we had truffles, and drinks, and watched stupid movies, and had a really lovely night together. and right now i should be feeling WONDERFUL, instead of the unhappy mess i feel right now. and on top of it all, tracy has had a big fight with the manager of the new venue for the sell-out clubnight. and it looks like we'll be moving home again real soon. which i dont mind too much, i already had my doubts about the place, and i want to support tracy and what she does too...

im glad i didnt go out tonight, or i would have been caught right in the middle, and chances are sellout would already be cancelled. but as it is, ill have a think about it tomorrow, get my head together, and try and sort out a new venue. we have two dates booked so far, and after that, we will probably move on t osomewhere where we have more control over the place.

but thats a different rant.

right now, im wondering how paranoid i should be where her is concerned. should i just try and avoid him completely? or should i carry on as normal, let whatever happens, happen, and possibly end up with yet another broken heart.

this truly is about the lowest ive felt in a *long* time. even worse than i was when me and olivia split up. right now, i think im just going to go and cry myself to sleep. I know i shouldnt get this worked up about anything, especially a woman, but right now i do. if things happened between us, everything else would fall into place, and my life would be sorted. but it isnt. im too much of a coward to ever do anything about it, i cant take rejection. especially from somebody so close. it would just devastate me.

i need to sort my life out big time. sort out my job, lose weight, cut down on the weed, get the house sorted out, sort out my finances, social life and love life.
i have some of the best friends on the planet. i should make more use of them.
ive been neglecting certain people recently, and its made me feel bad. Im gutted leggy and ali split up. i thought them two were sorted. since they moved to nottingham, ive hardly seen either of them, and now since they split up, ive probably seen even less of them. and thats just wrong. two of my best friends, who lived 5 minutes away from me, and i went round only a few times....

and then theres bev. another of my *best* friends. ive seen her something like 4 times this fucking year. she lives 10 minutes down the fucking road. thats not right. there was a point where we would spend over an hour talking to each other every single day. i saw her more when she was living in sheffield.
so shes been busy, what with work, studying for things, her new house, and her bloke.
he seems nice enough. but i dont think hes good enough for her. but then i dont know anyone else who *is* good enough for her. except maybe me... but thats a whole nother story. and its been a good few years since any of that reared its ugly head.... maybe me and beck will be better off like this?


right now, i think i should just shut up and go to bed. me and beck have something good. why spoil it?
but then, if i dont say something, she *will* meet someone else. its not like she's a mutant or something. a little afraid of random people, maybe, but theres all the qualities about her that made me fall in love with her in the first place. other people would be *stupid* not to see those qualities in her too...

i just think the worst thing would be for her to reject me, freak out completely, and then go off with one of my best mates.
and thats why i think im so paranoid/upset about everything at the moment. *what if* ?

why do i find it so hard to meet people like this? since olivia, i can honestly say there have been no other people ive been interested in. And even that was a weird fluke i guess. fuck knows how we got together, and what the hell she saw in me...

true, theres been a couple of girls i like. but i honestly dont believe anything would or could happen with any of them. and if anything did, it would be a disaster.
with beck, everything feels right. im comfortable being around her. i count the hours until i see her next.
when she comes on MSN, my heart skips a beat. when shes feeling talkative, i feel like im the only person that matters.
and when i see her in person, the time we spend together is great.

although, recently, due to my paranoia, and my brain telling me to keep a lid on it, there have been times where i have nothing to say to her. we just sit there. and it makes me feel shitty. its a downward spiral, and im starting to feel sick from spinning round so much.

ok. i think i need to go try and sleep, and THINK HAPPY THOUGHTS.

everything will be better in the morning.
hopefully.

scribbled by: wanye at 02:05