Monday, May 26, 2003

    ugh.

ive been sober for a month now. not a drop of alcohol.
ive also cut back on the weed

in return, i seem to have become a miserable paranoid insomniac. ive saved a shitload of cash on the upside though. im saving on average £50-£100 a week by not drinking or going out as much.
i plan on having one night of pissed fun before glastonbury. a lads night out. no girls, no stress, a good gig, and a day out getting pissed with some of my best friends. im really looking forward to it.

things with me and beck have been weird recently. ive hardly seen her. she seems to be going out without me too... like to the pub quiz every sunday. which kinda pisses me off, as in the past ive invited her along to almost everything ive been doing, but she didnt ask if i would like to come to this. i have plenty of other friends who go to this, so i could just turn up i suppose. but thats not the point, *why* isnt she trying to get me to come out too?

and also during the week, ive been spending most of the time sat at home watching films on my own. bored. not once has she suggested that we do something. all it takes is her coming on MSN and saying something along the lines of "im bored, do you want to come and see a film in mansfield?"... or "what are you upto? mind if i come over and watch that with you?"

but no. nothing.

one thing its made me do though is realise just how much ive been neglecting my other friends. apart from friday night in the pub (more on that later) I hardly see anyone anymore. part of that is due to not drinking i suppose, but there are other people who i hardly ever see anymore, and i want that to change. ive hardly seen anything of bev, leggy, rolfy, ali, nicola n vicky, dooge and nikki, and various other people. also, me and nick hardly ever go out together anymore. I need to change this.

fortunately, i have seen a fair bit of other people. and thats been good. al n lucy, wes n paul, lucy, gary n sal. if it wasnt for them, i probably wouldntve managed a month of sobriety. I wouldve probably gone mad. turned into a paranoid wreck with no social life whatsoever.

work is weird at the moment. its not good or bad. it just *is*. its pretty stressful at the moment what with the students having their exams and stuff at the moment. trying to keep all the printers up and running. also redesigning the department website and trying to juggle the other tasks.
turns out they are finally getting me a permanent assistant. which will be good. it means i can concentrate on the more "fun" jobs i have. like playing with hardware, learning new things (im determined to learn flash properly, as well as how to use adobe premiere), and spending time doing general development work, instead of firefighting... (currently i spend most of my time doing shit and fixing things instead of finding new solutions to problems and putting new structures in place - like the job management system which has been on the back burner for the last 6 months)

other than that, i guess i dont have *that* much to complain about. a lot of people i know are going through a lot worse than me. what makes my problems so important?

anyway. goals for the next month. be less paranoid. be happier. carry on not drinking. smoke less. fix my bike and use it to get to work, now the weather is getting better. tidy the house properly. get my website ideas off the ground. try and start going to bed at normal times (its still usually gone 2am before i can sleep). save more money. pay off various debts (i owe gary £200, and have done for a couple of months now. i feel really bad i havent paid him back yet) and hopefully save up enough cash to be able to go on a PROPER holiday this year. one with no stress. doing sod-all afater from relax, drink icy cold beer in the sun, read some books, listen to some music.

now all i need is to find someone to go on holiday with. im beginning to think that going with beck isnt a good idea, and itll probably only stress me out more.

right. its bank holiday monday. ive spent most of the day sorting a PC out for bev. i suppose i should go drop it round to her....

scribbled by: wanye at 17:37